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Friendships are Hard

Sometimes you can be the best friend you possibly can to someone and still end up being treated like nothing. You can constantly try to do things for them, think of how certain decisions will affect them and check in to make sure you’re not being a bad friend.

You can be completely blind to the fact that you’re not doing anything wrong, they just care less. Sometimes you’re too selfless and those around you will take advantage of it. You are thinking so much of the others around you that it doesn’t even cross your mind that you’ve been blind to toxic behaviors.

That’s because you always want to think the best of other people. You believe that if you give 100% they’ll do the Same in return. Despite being constantly proven wrong, you still give others the benefit of the doubt.

Maybe it’s because you struggle from time to time and wouldn’t want to put your own burden on others. When you open up to allow them to see your weaknesses, you feel like you owe them so much more. You don’t ever want them to feel like you weren’t grateful for those few times of kindness that you completely blind yourself to what’s going on.

It hurts but then again it’s easier to feel pain than to be numb to the truths of the world. You’re the only person whose ever going to be there for you consistently. You’ll be let down over and over again in this lifetime.

That’s why there’s the saying that as you age your friend group gets smaller. I believe it’s because of the selfish nature of humans. Not enough of us carry empathy in our hearts to see the pain we may cause others through our actions.

We’re impulsive creatures and we don’t always think through the things we do and how our body language/ words (or lack thereof) can hurt others. Why doesn’t everyone consider what they could be doing to others?

It’s a question I’ll probably never have answered.

life

anxiety

Are you ever having an okay day and then as soon as you get home and you’re alone you suddenly decompress and realize you’re actually not okay?

Today, I worked 9-5, had a holiday lunch with my department and then went home. talked to family on breaks and did my usual work routine. As soon as I get home, I immediately drop my things and feel an overwhelming sense of fatigue.

So, as one does I lay down to take a quick breather before I head to my friend’s birthday dinner. Well, suddenly, my body feels like cement and the idea of leaving my cave with the only light coming from my salt lamp seems impossible.

The idea of being around anyone, friends or not feels impossible. moving feels impossible. letting my roommate know I am home because I just heard her come in, feels impossible.

drying my tears feels impossible.

i don’t know why I am like this, all i know is that it’s inhibiting me from being me.


I began writing the post above during one of my “mini meltowns” as I call them. This particular one was in December 2019 when I was supposed to go to a friends birthday.

They happen from time to time – more so now since COVID-19. Today, I had one as well. I am still not in the clear zone, but a friend called to check on me and I can’t be more grateful for her.

I am experiencing major stress right now as I have recently graduated with two degrees, am under paid, and now have to find an apartment by myself.

My roommates are moving in with someone else at the end of our lease. Although I knew this was coming they still haven’t formally sat down with me and had this conversation. I feel quite disrespected but I am not a confrontational person.

I also don’t think I am a bad roommate, I confine my messes to my personal space (my room) and don’t create many messes in our common spaces. Granted, my work has been from home and I have taken over a table behind the couch as my mini office, but that’s it.

Maybe its just me though? I am not the happiest person in the world. I get along with a lot of people and have friends but they get to see my darkest times especially since we’ve been stuck home so much.

The shittiest part of this all is that even with two degrees I can’t afford a 1 bedroom by myself. I really don’t want a studio apartment, but I might just have to do that for now. 😦 I am trying to find a roommate but how easy is that during a pandemic? I’ll tell you -not very easy.

oh well. I’ll just internalize everything and hope that my boyfriend comes and sees me so I have a shoulder to cry on and hold me when I can’t sleep at night. Anyone know of some easy ways to make extra money? Any tips would be welcome so I can try and be financially okay and work myself to death a little bit more.

 

 

insomnia

isolation

coming from someone who often finds themselves not wanting to leave their bed, i am getting pretty damn stir crazy. Just a couple of weeks ago, I was sitting in week 10 of the quarter getting ready for finals. During my Thursday class final study session, we find out that the University would, in fact, be shutting down all in-person classes the next day…. meaning that the final we all just studied for we would not be taking.

AKA, all of the hard work our professor put into us that quarter would not actually be tested when it came to our final. She was one of the good professors, one of those with their doctorates who are actually passionate about teaching. Thanks, prof, I genuinely wish I would’ve joined the SBA Honors.

Anyways, back to the isolation part. So, I am not loving this whole do everything from home thing. Like, Oregon just went on official lockdown, today. We expected it, they hinted at it all weekend AKA we all went and actually stocked up on the essentials this time.

You might live under a rock, but they tried to pass a stay at the home thing in Seattle that actually failed because there were no consequences of it. Drumroll please, OR consequence is a Class C misdemeanor. That is up to 30 days in jail.

More isolation, you get the point?

So, the only people I have been around are my boyfriend, my roommate, and her boyfriend since this has been going down. Well, minus a few postmates and strangers in the markets. But, to top it off, I have asthma and I have been sick since March 12 and today it is the 23rd.

I’m one of those unlucky ones who when they get any type of virus they get sick for like 2-3 weeks with a lingering cough. Well, hello that’s me and my lungs are lowkey burning. TBH, I haven’t taken care of my health that great in the past year. I have been super high stress with school, clubs, volleyball, working, internships, presenting a club, and so on. Worrying about everything but myself.

It’s a pretty Capricorn thing to do actually. But, because of this, I have been sick more than I typically find myself. So, here I am in the middle of this damn Pandemic that is exposing America’s terrible healthcare system, with my worst asthma flare-up in awhile.

So, I am taking it day by day with my now daily inhaler and doing absolutely everything inside that I can. This kind of derailed, and didn’t truly touch on what I thought that it would but I will just be here day by day as this goes on.

-J

life

dishes

While just washing dishes, I realized the reason why it is such a calming task. When I was a little girl, before living with my grandparents, I used to wash the dishes with my grandma.

She also did her dishes by hand. It was the same routine; every time. On the left of the two-barreled sink, was the dirty dishes and to the left of the sink were the clean ones.

In the left tub, she had her old big tuber ware. You know, the kind where they were supposed to last forever. If I recall correctly, it was a light shade of pink that fits perfectly into the sink.

This was so that we could fill the sink with nice and warm soapy water to clean the dishes with. This was her task. She would always have her sponge and a washcloth to begin cleaning.

My job was the rinsing in the clear warm, above the disposal. I remember this being at night after dinner. Granny was always cleaning and collecting. Her kitchen was beautiful and she was always in it.

I remember that we would be talking the whole time. Just about everything and to be careful with the knives when I rinsed them. It was such a nice time because we got to have a girl talk. She always had the biggest heart too.

I guess that’s why I always like to clean the kitchen. My grandma was always in there cleaning. When she was done we would even get cocoa and toast. My favorite things growing up.

If it wasn’t for her, I am not sure if I would even know what love is. Thankfully, for those dirty dishes, I do. Living with her for a big part of my life really taught me what unconditional love truly is. She would do anything for anyone at any given moment and not everyone can [would] do that.

No matter how big the crime or hurt is, if someone needed her, she would be there. Unconditionally.

 

College Rants

Work satisfaction?

In June, I began my first internship in my career field. It pays well, it’s experience, and it has been going great – or so I thought.

I was warned from some fellow acquaintances in a group I’m associated with through my school about how the previous girl in this position was yelled at and not treated very well. To the point where she cried. Fast forward to now, I cried 3 out of the 5 days I worked this week.

I don’t just blame it all on my job, granted I’ve had a lot of personal strife going on outside of work, but they definitely didn’t help it at all.

We sat down yesterday to go over what my hours will be when I begin my final chapter of my undergrad career. But, this quickly turned into an unplanned criticism of my work.

See, I wasn’t prepared for them to do this because that’s not what our calendar invited said. Our invite was to go over my schedule, not be a performance check-in.

If it was a performance check-in I would’ve been prepared with my strengths and weaknesses and areas of improvement – like is done for the rest of the company. But you see, I work in the part of the company where we analyze those things (come to the conclusion on your own of what industry it is) and so I guess the rules don’t apply to me.

I was told that a couple minor errors on a rough draft out of 50 or so steps meant that I didn’t have enough attention to detail. It was total criticism. They didn’t look at all of the perfect documents I’d created, but only focused on the negative. Is that supposed to make me feel like I’m qualified? Is it supposed to help me fix my mistakes? Is it supposed to make me want to stay?

No. It does the opposite. Don’t get me wrong, I love constructive criticism and being guided when I’m doing thing wrong, but tearing me down without an action plan is not what I’m here for. I’m not on this career path to be treated like a number. I know that I am capable of improving myself, giving back to the world, and so much more.

I know it’s vague and quite a conclusion from a small check in. But all I have to say is I should’ve listened when I was warned to not take this position. That the previous girl was yelled at until she cried and that there is no culture.

I’m not here to be treated like a number.

I’m a person.

So, in conclusion I’m job searching again. I haven’t told them and I won’t until I find something. I just know that I’m 20 years old, graduating in 1 year. I’m too young with too much life ahead of me to be in an environment that doesn’t have opportunity for growth.