life

anxiety

Are you ever having an okay day and then as soon as you get home and you’re alone you suddenly decompress and realize you’re actually not okay?

Today, I worked 9-5, had a holiday lunch with my department and then went home. talked to family on breaks and did my usual work routine. As soon as I get home, I immediately drop my things and feel an overwhelming sense of fatigue.

So, as one does I lay down to take a quick breather before I head to my friend’s birthday dinner. Well, suddenly, my body feels like cement and the idea of leaving my cave with the only light coming from my salt lamp seems impossible.

The idea of being around anyone, friends or not feels impossible. moving feels impossible. letting my roommate know I am home because I just heard her come in, feels impossible.

drying my tears feels impossible.

i don’t know why I am like this, all i know is that it’s inhibiting me from being me.


I began writing the post above during one of my “mini meltowns” as I call them. This particular one was in December 2019 when I was supposed to go to a friends birthday.

They happen from time to time – more so now since COVID-19. Today, I had one as well. I am still not in the clear zone, but a friend called to check on me and I can’t be more grateful for her.

I am experiencing major stress right now as I have recently graduated with two degrees, am under paid, and now have to find an apartment by myself.

My roommates are moving in with someone else at the end of our lease. Although I knew this was coming they still haven’t formally sat down with me and had this conversation. I feel quite disrespected but I am not a confrontational person.

I also don’t think I am a bad roommate, I confine my messes to my personal space (my room) and don’t create many messes in our common spaces. Granted, my work has been from home and I have taken over a table behind the couch as my mini office, but that’s it.

Maybe its just me though? I am not the happiest person in the world. I get along with a lot of people and haveĀ friends but they get to see my darkest times especially since we’ve been stuck home so much.

The shittiest part of this all is that even with two degrees I can’t afford a 1 bedroom by myself. I really don’t want a studio apartment, but I might just have to do that for now. šŸ˜¦ I am trying to find a roommate but how easy is that during a pandemic? I’ll tell you -not very easy.

oh well. I’ll just internalize everything and hope that my boyfriend comes and sees me so I have a shoulder to cry on and hold me when I can’t sleep at night. Anyone know of some easy ways to make extra money? Any tips would be welcome so I can try and be financially okay and work myself to death a little bit more.

 

 

insomnia

isolation

coming from someone who often finds themselves not wanting to leave their bed, i am getting pretty damn stir crazy. Just a couple of weeks ago, I was sitting in week 10 of the quarter getting ready for finals. During my Thursday class final study session, we find out that the University would, in fact, be shutting down all in-person classes the next day…. meaning that the final we all just studied for we would not be taking.

AKA, all of the hard work our professor put into us that quarter would not actually be tested when it came to our final. She was one of the good professors, one of those with their doctorates who are actually passionate about teaching. Thanks, prof, I genuinely wish I would’ve joined the SBA Honors.

Anyways, back to the isolation part. So, I am not loving this whole do everything from home thing. Like, Oregon just went on official lockdown, today. We expected it, they hinted at it all weekend AKA we all went and actually stocked up on the essentials this time.

You might live under a rock, but they tried to pass a stay at the home thing in Seattle that actually failed because there were no consequences of it. Drumroll please, OR consequence is a Class C misdemeanor. That is up to 30 days in jail.

More isolation, you get the point?

So, the only people I have been around are my boyfriend, my roommate, and her boyfriend since this has been going down. Well, minus a few postmates and strangers in the markets. But, to top it off, I have asthma and I have been sick since March 12 and today it is the 23rd.

I’m one of those unlucky ones who when they get any type of virus they get sick for like 2-3 weeks with a lingering cough. Well, hello that’s me and my lungs are lowkey burning. TBH, I haven’t taken care of my health that great in the past year. I have been super high stress with school, clubs, volleyball, working, internships, presenting a club, and so on. Worrying about everything but myself.

It’s a pretty Capricorn thing to do actually. But, because of this, I have been sick more than I typically find myself. So, here I am in the middle of this damn Pandemic that is exposing America’s terrible healthcare system, with my worst asthma flare-up in awhile.

So, I am taking it day by day with my now daily inhaler and doing absolutely everything inside that I can. This kind of derailed, and didn’t truly touch on what I thought that it would but I will just be here day by day as this goes on.

-J

life

dishes

While just washing dishes, I realized the reason why it is such a calming task. When I was a little girl, before living with my grandparents, I used to wash the dishes with my grandma.

She also did her dishes by hand. It was the same routine; every time. On the left of the two-barreled sink, was the dirty dishes and to the left of the sink were the clean ones.

In the left tub, she had her old big tuber ware. You know, the kind where they were supposed to last forever. If I recall correctly, it was a light shade of pink that fits perfectly into the sink.

This was so that we could fill the sink with nice and warm soapy water to clean the dishes with. This was her task. She would always have her sponge and a washcloth to begin cleaning.

My job was the rinsing in the clear warm, above the disposal. I remember this being at night after dinner. Granny was always cleaning and collecting. Her kitchen was beautiful and she was always in it.

I remember that we would be talking the whole time. Just about everything and to be careful with the knives when I rinsed them. It was such a nice time because we got to have a girl talk. She always had the biggest heart too.

I guess that’s why I always like to clean the kitchen. My grandma was always in there cleaning. When she was done we would even get cocoa and toast. My favorite things growing up.

If it wasn’t for her, I am not sure if I would even know what love is. Thankfully, for those dirty dishes, I do. Living with her for a big part of my life really taught me what unconditional love truly is. She would do anything for anyone at any given moment and not everyone can [would] do that.

No matter how big the crime or hurt is, if someone needed her, she would be there. Unconditionally.

 

insomnia

different

I’m 20, nearly 21, but I feel as if I have been an adult for most of my life. I guess a broken family on many levels will do that to you. You either break with it, or you let it callus you in a way that you feel nothing and no one can truly hurt you anymore. While also being the most independent person with codependent tendencies when someone shows a soft spot in their heart for you.

But wait, don’t let that kindness fool you. Everyone has an ulterior motive. No selfless person is being selfless because they like it – it’s because it makes them look good to others – it’s selfish. At least that’s what I heard once.

It’s funny the random things I recall from my brain that I have heard throughout my life. Many tend to be what some would say are dark and negative, but I just think it’s reality. The world is a genuinely dark place and I learned that from a young age. It’s why I don’t strive for happiness because that’s temporary.

I strive to be content. You may be asking yourself “why wouldn’t you strive for more?” It’s because we are so conditioned to have the highest expectations of others, ourselves, and the world that we never reach them. We set impossible goals because we idolize the 1%. I’d much rather set lower aspirations (besides my career goals) so that when I find myself in a place where I’ve surpassed them, I can genuinely appreciate it.

To try and explain it better because my WR121 once told me I need to “show not tell” when it comes to my writing. Imagine that you find yourself with a new infatuation, whether it be a SO, television show, or hobby. You find yourself thinking more and more about this thing and your mind begins forming many wonders and questions. They start off really good, but then an event sets off something in your brain to overthink, stress, and worry that it’s not going to go as you wanted.

But that’s where you need to stop yourself – not everything revolves around what you want, what I want, or what your dog wants. I sometimes feel so much older than my peers because I see passed a lot of the bullshit pushed at us in the media. Yet, I still fall victim to it myself. But the difference is, I can recognize what is going on, whether it be because of my studies or that my brain was wired a bit differently than most people I know. I just see things different.

There is not a single person on this planet that I have been able to show my 100% authentic self to without feeling a barrier or judgment in some way. Olivia is the closest thing, oh my best friend I love you so! But even then, there are many thoughts and views and ideas that she cannot reciprocate because that isn’t apart of our friendship destiny.

I would love to have someone to relate 100% too, but at the same time, I know that is one of those expectations I can’t have – so I squash. Maybe it leaves me lonely – or maybe it leaves me safe. Regardless, I am still here, taking it day by day as some are better than others.

It feels good to let my thoughts flow into the concrete in front of my eyes. I often find myself wishing I’d write my thoughts down when I begin to fall asleep because I sometimes have really good reflections for myself. Does anyone else have the most active mind before bed? Or is it just because I am an avid dreamer?

Either way, I’m really enjoying just writing my thoughts that flow into thoughts that flow into thoughts, ya feel? So don’t put any expectations on it. All I know is I’ve always loved to write and it’s genuinely a therapeutic feeling that I need right now.

-J