College Rants

Work satisfaction?

In June, I began my first internship in my career field. It pays well, it’s experience, and it has been going great – or so I thought.

I was warned from some fellow acquaintances in a group I’m associated with through my school about how the previous girl in this position was yelled at and not treated very well. To the point where she cried. Fast forward to now, I cried 3 out of the 5 days I worked this week.

I don’t just blame it all on my job, granted I’ve had a lot of personal strife going on outside of work, but they definitely didn’t help it at all.

We sat down yesterday to go over what my hours will be when I begin my final chapter of my undergrad career. But, this quickly turned into an unplanned criticism of my work.

See, I wasn’t prepared for them to do this because that’s not what our calendar invited said. Our invite was to go over my schedule, not be a performance check-in.

If it was a performance check-in I would’ve been prepared with my strengths and weaknesses and areas of improvement – like is done for the rest of the company. But you see, I work in the part of the company where we analyze those things (come to the conclusion on your own of what industry it is) and so I guess the rules don’t apply to me.

I was told that a couple minor errors on a rough draft out of 50 or so steps meant that I didn’t have enough attention to detail. It was total criticism. They didn’t look at all of the perfect documents I’d created, but only focused on the negative. Is that supposed to make me feel like I’m qualified? Is it supposed to help me fix my mistakes? Is it supposed to make me want to stay?

No. It does the opposite. Don’t get me wrong, I love constructive criticism and being guided when I’m doing thing wrong, but tearing me down without an action plan is not what I’m here for. I’m not on this career path to be treated like a number. I know that I am capable of improving myself, giving back to the world, and so much more.

I know it’s vague and quite a conclusion from a small check in. But all I have to say is I should’ve listened when I was warned to not take this position. That the previous girl was yelled at until she cried and that there is no culture.

I’m not here to be treated like a number.

I’m a person.

So, in conclusion I’m job searching again. I haven’t told them and I won’t until I find something. I just know that I’m 20 years old, graduating in 1 year. I’m too young with too much life ahead of me to be in an environment that doesn’t have opportunity for growth.

insomnia

different

I’m 20, nearly 21, but I feel as if I have been an adult for most of my life. I guess a broken family on many levels will do that to you. You either break with it, or you let it callus you in a way that you feel nothing and no one can truly hurt you anymore. While also being the most independent person with codependent tendencies when someone shows a soft spot in their heart for you.

But wait, don’t let that kindness fool you. Everyone has an ulterior motive. No selfless person is being selfless because they like it – it’s because it makes them look good to others – it’s selfish. At least that’s what I heard once.

It’s funny the random things I recall from my brain that I have heard throughout my life. Many tend to be what some would say are dark and negative, but I just think it’s reality. The world is a genuinely dark place and I learned that from a young age. It’s why I don’t strive for happiness because that’s temporary.

I strive to be content. You may be asking yourself “why wouldn’t you strive for more?” It’s because we are so conditioned to have the highest expectations of others, ourselves, and the world that we never reach them. We set impossible goals because we idolize the 1%. I’d much rather set lower aspirations (besides my career goals) so that when I find myself in a place where I’ve surpassed them, I can genuinely appreciate it.

To try and explain it better because my WR121 once told me I need to “show not tell” when it comes to my writing. Imagine that you find yourself with a new infatuation, whether it be a SO, television show, or hobby. You find yourself thinking more and more about this thing and your mind begins forming many wonders and questions. They start off really good, but then an event sets off something in your brain to overthink, stress, and worry that it’s not going to go as you wanted.

But that’s where you need to stop yourself – not everything revolves around what you want, what I want, or what your dog wants. I sometimes feel so much older than my peers because I see passed a lot of the bullshit pushed at us in the media. Yet, I still fall victim to it myself. But the difference is, I can recognize what is going on, whether it be because of my studies or that my brain was wired a bit differently than most people I know. I just see things different.

There is not a single person on this planet that I have been able to show my 100% authentic self to without feeling a barrier or judgment in some way. Olivia is the closest thing, oh my best friend I love you so! But even then, there are many thoughts and views and ideas that she cannot reciprocate because that isn’t apart of our friendship destiny.

I would love to have someone to relate 100% too, but at the same time, I know that is one of those expectations I can’t have – so I squash. Maybe it leaves me lonely – or maybe it leaves me safe. Regardless, I am still here, taking it day by day as some are better than others.

It feels good to let my thoughts flow into the concrete in front of my eyes. I often find myself wishing I’d write my thoughts down when I begin to fall asleep because I sometimes have really good reflections for myself. Does anyone else have the most active mind before bed? Or is it just because I am an avid dreamer?

Either way, I’m really enjoying just writing my thoughts that flow into thoughts that flow into thoughts, ya feel? So don’t put any expectations on it. All I know is I’ve always loved to write and it’s genuinely a therapeutic feeling that I need right now.

-J

insomnia

lonely thoughts

today i have felt extremely sad. last night i helped a friend out late at night when i should’ve been sleeping, but i know that i have inherited the insomniac tendencies that run in my family. i hate morning time and the evening time i get a lot of my energy and motivation. i stayed up past 4am.

then morning came and i was up around 6:30 or so, probably not the most healthy thing i could’ve done. they were there to fill that void. to make me feel like just maybe i may be worth it. but it’s a fleeting feeling, a temporary fix. i blame my feelings of loneliness on the fact that i am a capricorn. silly i know, but even before these birth charts started blowing up recently, i always identified with my sign.

people think i am so detached and focused and determined and emotionless, but what they don’t know is that my mind doesn’t stop. even at night when i should be sleeping, i stress in my dreams. there are the recurring dreams i have that usually signal high stress times. or the sleep paralysis i regularly experience and the last being at my mothers. but then i could call out for help. here i am alone. or maybe the vivid lucid dreams i experience almost nightly where i see people and faces of my life and i either am stressing about an impeding task or i am in control of myself but everything around me is out of my control.

for example, the last lucid dream i had i was in some hotel room and i just wanted privacy in the bathroom for a second. but you know how in the dreams where you can’t scream loud enough or run fast enough. try having your entire surroundings working against you, but you’re 100% aware you’re in a dream. that if you maybe looked down and counted your fingers you could regain control of your atmosphere. but maybe something in my mind wants me to be stressed out constantly. even in my sleep.

there’s this great ted talk about making stress a motivator, but that’s hard to do when you seclude yourself. humans are social creatures, and i often get scared to reach out and i just figure that maybe just maybe someone will know i’d love to see them but they can’t read my mind? but it’s because those i do reach out to and begin to depend on constantly show in some way shape or form that i cannot depend on them – so in creeps my toxic mind that makes me seclude myself.

it’s better to be alone than burden others, right? than to reach out just because you need some interaction? right, that’s what i do. i submerge myself in work. into studies, into seclusion. seclusion. seclusion. maybe i am a brown recluse. but acknowledgment is the first step to recovery? right, at least that is what i’ve always known. with a family pattern of unhealthy habits, it’s no wonder i would be a little messed up

the unfortunate part is though is i’ve learned to just bottle things up until i have nothing left to do but cry in silence, alone. can’t show weakness because daddy always said that crying doesn’t solve anything and to stop being so dramatic. but that just makes you want to cry more? because the emotions you feel become invalidated. tbh the reason i am writing right now is because i have cried twice today, once in the shower so the sounds are drowned and right now as i am writing this.

i should be sleeping because it’s a 40 hour week, but my weekend sleep patterns fuck that up. because i will still wake up early but go to sleep so late. but when friday approaches i will finally be able to sleep early and then i will mess it all up again. sounds like that completely inaccurate, but true, the definition of insanity.

i forgot the initial reason for writing this other than the fact that writing helps ease the emotions. i also texted some friends who i haven’t spoken to in awhile. Garrett replied, thank you, Garrett. I am also playing train’s debut album, specifically homesick, swaying, and my theme song meet virginia. it’s so late. i have never not cared about rhyme or reason or punctuation or flow as much as i don’t in this post. i just need to breathe.

i think i just need to write my feelings down more. but the fastest way is typing, it’s still writing though so that’s what i think this place will be. a place for me to write when i can’t express the things in my head any other way.

-J

College Rants

Amazon Inc. The Not So Customer-Centric Company

As my Junior Year at Portland State is coming to an end, I realized I really lost touch with this site. I completely went all into my studies and forgot what I really wanted to do and that was to write in my free time because it makes me content. I don’t have anything right now, but I wanted to share with you my favorite paper that I wrote over this academic year during fall quarter.

It’s a research paper on Amazon and it’s very business-like (be warned). I found an interesting take on some problems and I am proud of what I accomplished. I will post it below as a PDF.

I also would like to say that I am by no means an expert on anything at all, I just wrote this for one of my classes and like I said, I was proud of it. I am not trying to drag the company as I am an active user, I just recommended some ways in which they could improve upon some issues I found throughout my research.

The Not So Customer-Centric Company

 

More content will be coming soon for those concerned, not so much for you, but mainly for me.

❤ J

College Rants

Organization

Like I had mentioned in my last post, Balance, that is one thing I have struggled with this week when it comes to my home.  It is a MESS.  

Winter break started roughly two weeks ago, but I stayed on campus so that I could make some extra money by picking up some hours.  I know you’re shocked, I gave up two weeks of a month vacation from school to work?!?!? Yeah don’t be shocked It’s called adulting and being financially responsible.

So for the last two weeks I have been working more than I have in about two weeks. 9-5 days, which I know isn’t that bad and completely doable. But when most of your structure is based around academics and work comes second, it is a little rough getting back into the opposite routine.  I have been a little more tired in the evenings, me 24/7 as is, but I have had zero motivation to clean.  

By that I mean, I have so much laundry, strewn pieces of clean clothes from picking out outfits, and some empty food containers because I haven’t been setting myself up to cook. Obviously this is my own fault, but it’s how life gets sometimes.

The reason I am even admitting that I have been messy and disorganized is because it’s reality.  I can destroy my living space in such a small amount of time because I get so focused on other things in life.  This may seem really unhealthy and unbalanced, but honestly I love cleaning days.

Today I had the motivation to clean, probably because it’s the weekend and my break, and it was therapeutic.  I feel so silly saying this, but it is one of the most satisfying things when you organize and clean your living space/ and reflect on the past weeks.  I play music, have Youtube on auto play in the back, and clean my little heart out.

Moral of this rambled post is that it is okay to be disorganized at times and focus on the tasks at hand. As long as at the end of the day, or week, that you are aware of what you are doing.  I am not promoting an unorganized life style I am just pointing out that life gets BUSY and it is okay to not always live a perfect cookie cutter life, that’s not real. And like many of my friends, we’re all young adults, learning what works for us, and trying to maintain our busy schedules.

❤ J

College Rants

Balance

We have all heard phrases regarding how we need to live a balanced life, right? They are super inspiring and incite you to wanna take action.. But like the other phrase goes “it’s easier said than done”. 

I cannot think of a better saying to describe my life as a full-time college student who works part time, manages a floor of 50 freshmen, and maintaining a social life.  Balance is not possible.  I do not know if it gets easier later in life, but with changing class deadlines every 3 months, to helping others, my “balance” goes wild.

When I get overwhelmed from all of the stuff I am taking on, I have what I like to call my mini meltdowns. They stem from lack of sleep, lack of people interaction outside of work/ school, and sometimes just appear from nowhere.  What I appreciate about them though is that this slight emotional release is my bodies way of telling me that I need to breathe and try and schedule my time better.

This can be really hard to do, but I have developed some super useful ways to keep myself on track and a little less stressed out.  

  1. Google Calendar
    • Oh baby my holy grail. Without this I could NOT FUNCTION. Before each new quarter starts, I create a highly detailed google calendar with my class schedule, work schedule, RA duties, and personal time.  Yes I schedule time for myself because if I didn’t I would honestly neglect it.
      • On top of schedule all of these things I set reminders anywhere from 10-15 minutes before each task to help keep myself accountable. Trust me it works when you forgot about class and kept snoozing your regular alarm and wake up 10 minutes before class starts and have to run to class to get the attendance grade when you actually teach yourself everything outside of class..  I mean it helps me know when to walk out of the door because I am a perfect student (lol)
  2. Friendships
    • Although this may seem like a duh, my friends and those I have grown close to over the past year or so have sincerely helped me with my transition into a new place and helping me balance that personal side of things.  Just some time spent with a friend, even if it is just a quick lunch or coffee date, is one of the MOST needed things.
    • Not only are friendships important, but friendships outside of school/ work settings are needed as well because it can get unhealthy to not give your mind a break from the constant stimulation of things.  (even if you are not aware of it)
  3. Breathing/ Stress techniques
    • One of the awesome things about my jobs/ major is that we get to learn a lot about how to manage emotions of others and even our own.  I am so grateful for this and I wish that these types of self care routines were mandatory rather than let’s say math (sorry no sorry general education requirements).
    • 4,7,8 breathing has changed my life.  If you have not heard of this technique it is where you breathe in for 4 seconds, hold for 7, and exhale for 8.  It can allow you to recenter yourself, become calm, and just take on hard tasks. I deal with a lot of stress and when people say just breathe, by golly just breathe.
    • Lastly, seeing stress as a challenge rather than a barrier. A lot of times we tend to shut down when feeling overwhelmed which can halt anything that we may be doing and this is negative.  Stress is known to cause health issues when seen as negative but when you view it as an obstacle you can overcome it can be a very positive part of life.  In my Organizational Behavior course we watched a TED Talk by Kelly McGonigal called How to make stress your friend and it goes more into that topic.
      • But to sum it up stress is only negative if you view it as that. I practice and constantly remind myself that I can get through anything I set my mind to and so can you.

I didn’t really intend this to turn into a lesson on how to “balance yourself” but these are just someways I keep myself in track and “balanced” for lack of a better term. I don’t think we should ever strive for complete balance or harmony because life is always throwing curve balls when you least expect it to. We should strive to be able to overcome and dodge those curve balls and have the proper skills within ourselves to know that everything will pass. 

I can hope that after my crazy busy college life that things will slow down, but I do enjoy fast-paced living and even without the schooling aspect I have a feeling that life will just continue to throw obstacles at me. I will do all that I can to be ready for that.

❤ J