College Rants

Work satisfaction?

In June, I began my first internship in my career field. It pays well, it’s experience, and it has been going great – or so I thought.

I was warned from some fellow acquaintances in a group I’m associated with through my school about how the previous girl in this position was yelled at and not treated very well. To the point where she cried. Fast forward to now, I cried 3 out of the 5 days I worked this week.

I don’t just blame it all on my job, granted I’ve had a lot of personal strife going on outside of work, but they definitely didn’t help it at all.

We sat down yesterday to go over what my hours will be when I begin my final chapter of my undergrad career. But, this quickly turned into an unplanned criticism of my work.

See, I wasn’t prepared for them to do this because that’s not what our calendar invited said. Our invite was to go over my schedule, not be a performance check-in.

If it was a performance check-in I would’ve been prepared with my strengths and weaknesses and areas of improvement – like is done for the rest of the company. But you see, I work in the part of the company where we analyze those things (come to the conclusion on your own of what industry it is) and so I guess the rules don’t apply to me.

I was told that a couple minor errors on a rough draft out of 50 or so steps meant that I didn’t have enough attention to detail. It was total criticism. They didn’t look at all of the perfect documents I’d created, but only focused on the negative. Is that supposed to make me feel like I’m qualified? Is it supposed to help me fix my mistakes? Is it supposed to make me want to stay?

No. It does the opposite. Don’t get me wrong, I love constructive criticism and being guided when I’m doing thing wrong, but tearing me down without an action plan is not what I’m here for. I’m not on this career path to be treated like a number. I know that I am capable of improving myself, giving back to the world, and so much more.

I know it’s vague and quite a conclusion from a small check in. But all I have to say is I should’ve listened when I was warned to not take this position. That the previous girl was yelled at until she cried and that there is no culture.

I’m not here to be treated like a number.

I’m a person.

So, in conclusion I’m job searching again. I haven’t told them and I won’t until I find something. I just know that I’m 20 years old, graduating in 1 year. I’m too young with too much life ahead of me to be in an environment that doesn’t have opportunity for growth.

insomnia

different

I’m 20, nearly 21, but I feel as if I have been an adult for most of my life. I guess a broken family on many levels will do that to you. You either break with it, or you let it callus you in a way that you feel nothing and no one can truly hurt you anymore. While also being the most independent person with codependent tendencies when someone shows a soft spot in their heart for you.

But wait, don’t let that kindness fool you. Everyone has an ulterior motive. No selfless person is being selfless because they like it – it’s because it makes them look good to others – it’s selfish. At least that’s what I heard once.

It’s funny the random things I recall from my brain that I have heard throughout my life. Many tend to be what some would say are dark and negative, but I just think it’s reality. The world is a genuinely dark place and I learned that from a young age. It’s why I don’t strive for happiness because that’s temporary.

I strive to be content. You may be asking yourself “why wouldn’t you strive for more?” It’s because we are so conditioned to have the highest expectations of others, ourselves, and the world that we never reach them. We set impossible goals because we idolize the 1%. I’d much rather set lower aspirations (besides my career goals) so that when I find myself in a place where I’ve surpassed them, I can genuinely appreciate it.

To try and explain it better because my WR121 once told me I need to “show not tell” when it comes to my writing. Imagine that you find yourself with a new infatuation, whether it be a SO, television show, or hobby. You find yourself thinking more and more about this thing and your mind begins forming many wonders and questions. They start off really good, but then an event sets off something in your brain to overthink, stress, and worry that it’s not going to go as you wanted.

But that’s where you need to stop yourself – not everything revolves around what you want, what I want, or what your dog wants. I sometimes feel so much older than my peers because I see passed a lot of the bullshit pushed at us in the media. Yet, I still fall victim to it myself. But the difference is, I can recognize what is going on, whether it be because of my studies or that my brain was wired a bit differently than most people I know. I just see things different.

There is not a single person on this planet that I have been able to show my 100% authentic self to without feeling a barrier or judgment in some way. Olivia is the closest thing, oh my best friend I love you so! But even then, there are many thoughts and views and ideas that she cannot reciprocate because that isn’t apart of our friendship destiny.

I would love to have someone to relate 100% too, but at the same time, I know that is one of those expectations I can’t have – so I squash. Maybe it leaves me lonely – or maybe it leaves me safe. Regardless, I am still here, taking it day by day as some are better than others.

It feels good to let my thoughts flow into the concrete in front of my eyes. I often find myself wishing I’d write my thoughts down when I begin to fall asleep because I sometimes have really good reflections for myself. Does anyone else have the most active mind before bed? Or is it just because I am an avid dreamer?

Either way, I’m really enjoying just writing my thoughts that flow into thoughts that flow into thoughts, ya feel? So don’t put any expectations on it. All I know is I’ve always loved to write and it’s genuinely a therapeutic feeling that I need right now.

-J

College Rants

College; where it begins?

I am a second year college student, but to get technical I am a Junior.  I study HR Management and am currently focusing on a couple international certificates.  I am an RA in the dorms on campus, aka a glorified babysitter. But.. that’s not what I am here to talk about.

I am here to talk about what life has been since I’ve started “adulting”. We all know the term, I think it is basically in the dictionary like lol and what not. Well to sum it up THIS SHIT IS HARD. The end. Just kidding. Continue reading “College; where it begins?”