life

anxiety

Are you ever having an okay day and then as soon as you get home and you’re alone you suddenly decompress and realize you’re actually not okay?

Today, I worked 9-5, had a holiday lunch with my department and then went home. talked to family on breaks and did my usual work routine. As soon as I get home, I immediately drop my things and feel an overwhelming sense of fatigue.

So, as one does I lay down to take a quick breather before I head to my friend’s birthday dinner. Well, suddenly, my body feels like cement and the idea of leaving my cave with the only light coming from my salt lamp seems impossible.

The idea of being around anyone, friends or not feels impossible. moving feels impossible. letting my roommate know I am home because I just heard her come in, feels impossible.

drying my tears feels impossible.

i don’t know why I am like this, all i know is that it’s inhibiting me from being me.


I began writing the post above during one of my “mini meltowns” as I call them. This particular one was in December 2019 when I was supposed to go to a friends birthday.

They happen from time to time – more so now since COVID-19. Today, I had one as well. I am still not in the clear zone, but a friend called to check on me and I can’t be more grateful for her.

I am experiencing major stress right now as I have recently graduated with two degrees, am under paid, and now have to find an apartment by myself.

My roommates are moving in with someone else at the end of our lease. Although I knew this was coming they still haven’t formally sat down with me and had this conversation. I feel quite disrespected but I am not a confrontational person.

I also don’t think I am a bad roommate, I confine my messes to my personal space (my room) and don’t create many messes in our common spaces. Granted, my work has been from home and I have taken over a table behind the couch as my mini office, but that’s it.

Maybe its just me though? I am not the happiest person in the world. I get along with a lot of people and haveĀ friends but they get to see my darkest times especially since we’ve been stuck home so much.

The shittiest part of this all is that even with two degrees I can’t afford a 1 bedroom by myself. I really don’t want a studio apartment, but I might just have to do that for now. šŸ˜¦ I am trying to find a roommate but how easy is that during a pandemic? I’ll tell you -not very easy.

oh well. I’ll just internalize everything and hope that my boyfriend comes and sees me so I have a shoulder to cry on and hold me when I can’t sleep at night. Anyone know of some easy ways to make extra money? Any tips would be welcome so I can try and be financially okay and work myself to death a little bit more.

 

 

life

dishes

While just washing dishes, I realized the reason why it is such a calming task. When I was a little girl, before living with my grandparents, I used to wash the dishes with my grandma.

She also did her dishes by hand. It was the same routine; every time. On the left of the two-barreled sink, was the dirty dishes and to the left of the sink were the clean ones.

In the left tub, she had her old big tuber ware. You know, the kind where they were supposed to last forever. If I recall correctly, it was a light shade of pink that fits perfectly into the sink.

This was so that we could fill the sink with nice and warm soapy water to clean the dishes with. This was her task. She would always have her sponge and a washcloth to begin cleaning.

My job was the rinsing in the clear warm, above the disposal. I remember this being at night after dinner. Granny was always cleaning and collecting. Her kitchen was beautiful and she was always in it.

I remember that we would be talking the whole time. Just about everything and to be careful with the knives when I rinsed them. It was such a nice time because we got to have a girl talk. She always had the biggest heart too.

I guess that’s why I always like to clean the kitchen. My grandma was always in there cleaning. When she was done we would even get cocoa and toast. My favorite things growing up.

If it wasn’t for her, I am not sure if I would even know what love is. Thankfully, for those dirty dishes, I do. Living with her for a big part of my life really taught me what unconditional love truly is. She would do anything for anyone at any given moment and not everyone can [would] do that.

No matter how big the crime or hurt is, if someone needed her, she would be there. Unconditionally.