life

anxiety

Are you ever having an okay day and then as soon as you get home and you’re alone you suddenly decompress and realize you’re actually not okay?

Today, I worked 9-5, had a holiday lunch with my department and then went home. talked to family on breaks and did my usual work routine. As soon as I get home, I immediately drop my things and feel an overwhelming sense of fatigue.

So, as one does I lay down to take a quick breather before I head to my friend’s birthday dinner. Well, suddenly, my body feels like cement and the idea of leaving my cave with the only light coming from my salt lamp seems impossible.

The idea of being around anyone, friends or not feels impossible. moving feels impossible. letting my roommate know I am home because I just heard her come in, feels impossible.

drying my tears feels impossible.

i don’t know why I am like this, all i know is that it’s inhibiting me from being me.


I began writing the post above during one of my “mini meltowns” as I call them. This particular one was in December 2019 when I was supposed to go to a friends birthday.

They happen from time to time – more so now since COVID-19. Today, I had one as well. I am still not in the clear zone, but a friend called to check on me and I can’t be more grateful for her.

I am experiencing major stress right now as I have recently graduated with two degrees, am under paid, and now have to find an apartment by myself.

My roommates are moving in with someone else at the end of our lease. Although I knew this was coming they still haven’t formally sat down with me and had this conversation. I feel quite disrespected but I am not a confrontational person.

I also don’t think I am a bad roommate, I confine my messes to my personal space (my room) and don’t create many messes in our common spaces. Granted, my work has been from home and I have taken over a table behind the couch as my mini office, but that’s it.

Maybe its just me though? I am not the happiest person in the world. I get along with a lot of people and haveĀ friends but they get to see my darkest times especially since we’ve been stuck home so much.

The shittiest part of this all is that even with two degrees I can’t afford a 1 bedroom by myself. I really don’t want a studio apartment, but I might just have to do that for now. šŸ˜¦ I am trying to find a roommate but how easy is that during a pandemic? I’ll tell you -not very easy.

oh well. I’ll just internalize everything and hope that my boyfriend comes and sees me so I have a shoulder to cry on and hold me when I can’t sleep at night. Anyone know of some easy ways to make extra money? Any tips would be welcome so I can try and be financially okay and work myself to death a little bit more.