insomnia

different

I’m 20, nearly 21, but I feel as if I have been an adult for most of my life. I guess a broken family on many levels will do that to you. You either break with it, or you let it callus you in a way that you feel nothing and no one can truly hurt you anymore. While also being the most independent person with codependent tendencies when someone shows a soft spot in their heart for you.

But wait, don’t let that kindness fool you. Everyone has an ulterior motive. No selfless person is being selfless because they like it – it’s because it makes them look good to others – it’s selfish. At least that’s what I heard once.

It’s funny the random things I recall from my brain that I have heard throughout my life. Many tend to be what some would say are dark and negative, but I just think it’s reality. The world is a genuinely dark place and I learned that from a young age. It’s why I don’t strive for happiness because that’s temporary.

I strive to be content. You may be asking yourself “why wouldn’t you strive for more?” It’s because we are so conditioned to have the highest expectations of others, ourselves, and the world that we never reach them. We set impossible goals because we idolize the 1%. I’d much rather set lower aspirations (besides my career goals) so that when I find myself in a place where I’ve surpassed them, I can genuinely appreciate it.

To try and explain it better because my WR121 once told me I need to “show not tell” when it comes to my writing. Imagine that you find yourself with a new infatuation, whether it be a SO, television show, or hobby. You find yourself thinking more and more about this thing and your mind begins forming many wonders and questions. They start off really good, but then an event sets off something in your brain to overthink, stress, and worry that it’s not going to go as you wanted.

But that’s where you need to stop yourself – not everything revolves around what you want, what I want, or what your dog wants. I sometimes feel so much older than my peers because I see passed a lot of the bullshit pushed at us in the media. Yet, I still fall victim to it myself. But the difference is, I can recognize what is going on, whether it be because of my studies or that my brain was wired a bit differently than most people I know. I just see things different.

There is not a single person on this planet that I have been able to show my 100% authentic self to without feeling a barrier or judgment in some way. Olivia is the closest thing, oh my best friend I love you so! But even then, there are many thoughts and views and ideas that she cannot reciprocate because that isn’t apart of our friendship destiny.

I would love to have someone to relate 100% too, but at the same time, I know that is one of those expectations I can’t have – so I squash. Maybe it leaves me lonely – or maybe it leaves me safe. Regardless, I am still here, taking it day by day as some are better than others.

It feels good to let my thoughts flow into the concrete in front of my eyes. I often find myself wishing I’d write my thoughts down when I begin to fall asleep because I sometimes have really good reflections for myself. Does anyone else have the most active mind before bed? Or is it just because I am an avid dreamer?

Either way, I’m really enjoying just writing my thoughts that flow into thoughts that flow into thoughts, ya feel? So don’t put any expectations on it. All I know is I’ve always loved to write and it’s genuinely a therapeutic feeling that I need right now.

-J

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