insomnia

different

I’m 20, nearly 21, but I feel as if I have been an adult for most of my life. I guess a broken family on many levels will do that to you. You either break with it, or you let it callus you in a way that you feel nothing and no one can truly hurt you anymore. While also being the most independent person with codependent tendencies when someone shows a soft spot in their heart for you.

But wait, don’t let that kindness fool you. Everyone has an ulterior motive. No selfless person is being selfless because they like it – it’s because it makes them look good to others – it’s selfish. At least that’s what I heard once.

It’s funny the random things I recall from my brain that I have heard throughout my life. Many tend to be what some would say are dark and negative, but I just think it’s reality. The world is a genuinely dark place and I learned that from a young age. It’s why I don’t strive for happiness because that’s temporary.

I strive to be content. You may be asking yourself “why wouldn’t you strive for more?” It’s because we are so conditioned to have the highest expectations of others, ourselves, and the world that we never reach them. We set impossible goals because we idolize the 1%. I’d much rather set lower aspirations (besides my career goals) so that when I find myself in a place where I’ve surpassed them, I can genuinely appreciate it.

To try and explain it better because my WR121 once told me I need to “show not tell” when it comes to my writing. Imagine that you find yourself with a new infatuation, whether it be a SO, television show, or hobby. You find yourself thinking more and more about this thing and your mind begins forming many wonders and questions. They start off really good, but then an event sets off something in your brain to overthink, stress, and worry that it’s not going to go as you wanted.

But that’s where you need to stop yourself – not everything revolves around what you want, what I want, or what your dog wants. I sometimes feel so much older than my peers because I see passed a lot of the bullshit pushed at us in the media. Yet, I still fall victim to it myself. But the difference is, I can recognize what is going on, whether it be because of my studies or that my brain was wired a bit differently than most people I know. I just see things different.

There is not a single person on this planet that I have been able to show my 100% authentic self to without feeling a barrier or judgment in some way. Olivia is the closest thing, oh my best friend I love you so! But even then, there are many thoughts and views and ideas that she cannot reciprocate because that isn’t apart of our friendship destiny.

I would love to have someone to relate 100% too, but at the same time, I know that is one of those expectations I can’t have – so I squash. Maybe it leaves me lonely – or maybe it leaves me safe. Regardless, I am still here, taking it day by day as some are better than others.

It feels good to let my thoughts flow into the concrete in front of my eyes. I often find myself wishing I’d write my thoughts down when I begin to fall asleep because I sometimes have really good reflections for myself. Does anyone else have the most active mind before bed? Or is it just because I am an avid dreamer?

Either way, I’m really enjoying just writing my thoughts that flow into thoughts that flow into thoughts, ya feel? So don’t put any expectations on it. All I know is I’ve always loved to write and it’s genuinely a therapeutic feeling that I need right now.

-J

insomnia

lonely thoughts

today i have felt extremely sad. last night i helped a friend out late at night when i should’ve been sleeping, but i know that i have inherited the insomniac tendencies that run in my family. i hate morning time and the evening time i get a lot of my energy and motivation. i stayed up past 4am.

then morning came and i was up around 6:30 or so, probably not the most healthy thing i could’ve done. they were there to fill that void. to make me feel like just maybe i may be worth it. but it’s a fleeting feeling, a temporary fix. i blame my feelings of loneliness on the fact that i am a capricorn. silly i know, but even before these birth charts started blowing up recently, i always identified with my sign.

people think i am so detached and focused and determined and emotionless, but what they don’t know is that my mind doesn’t stop. even at night when i should be sleeping, i stress in my dreams. there are the recurring dreams i have that usually signal high stress times. or the sleep paralysis i regularly experience and the last being at my mothers. but then i could call out for help. here i am alone. or maybe the vivid lucid dreams i experience almost nightly where i see people and faces of my life and i either am stressing about an impeding task or i am in control of myself but everything around me is out of my control.

for example, the last lucid dream i had i was in some hotel room and i just wanted privacy in the bathroom for a second. but you know how in the dreams where you can’t scream loud enough or run fast enough. try having your entire surroundings working against you, but you’re 100% aware you’re in a dream. that if you maybe looked down and counted your fingers you could regain control of your atmosphere. but maybe something in my mind wants me to be stressed out constantly. even in my sleep.

there’s this great ted talk about making stress a motivator, but that’s hard to do when you seclude yourself. humans are social creatures, and i often get scared to reach out and i just figure that maybe just maybe someone will know i’d love to see them but they can’t read my mind? but it’s because those i do reach out to and begin to depend on constantly show in some way shape or form that i cannot depend on them – so in creeps my toxic mind that makes me seclude myself.

it’s better to be alone than burden others, right? than to reach out just because you need some interaction? right, that’s what i do. i submerge myself in work. into studies, into seclusion. seclusion. seclusion. maybe i am a brown recluse. but acknowledgment is the first step to recovery? right, at least that is what i’ve always known. with a family pattern of unhealthy habits, it’s no wonder i would be a little messed up

the unfortunate part is though is i’ve learned to just bottle things up until i have nothing left to do but cry in silence, alone. can’t show weakness because daddy always said that crying doesn’t solve anything and to stop being so dramatic. but that just makes you want to cry more? because the emotions you feel become invalidated. tbh the reason i am writing right now is because i have cried twice today, once in the shower so the sounds are drowned and right now as i am writing this.

i should be sleeping because it’s a 40 hour week, but my weekend sleep patterns fuck that up. because i will still wake up early but go to sleep so late. but when friday approaches i will finally be able to sleep early and then i will mess it all up again. sounds like that completely inaccurate, but true, the definition of insanity.

i forgot the initial reason for writing this other than the fact that writing helps ease the emotions. i also texted some friends who i haven’t spoken to in awhile. Garrett replied, thank you, Garrett. I am also playing train’s debut album, specifically homesick, swaying, and my theme song meet virginia. it’s so late. i have never not cared about rhyme or reason or punctuation or flow as much as i don’t in this post. i just need to breathe.

i think i just need to write my feelings down more. but the fastest way is typing, it’s still writing though so that’s what i think this place will be. a place for me to write when i can’t express the things in my head any other way.

-J